Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.