Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Cats are still liquid.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.