Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess