Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Sorry not sorry.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Lmaoo 😂

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out