Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Tell me you get it…🤣

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger