Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
1. How much wine can a cat drink?
2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?
3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok