Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*