@djdarrellripley

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

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@dshack8

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@Schmoodles

#ThoughtsInMyHead

1. How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?

3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?

@TragicAllyHere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@adult_keverage

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

@rsynder336x2

Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy?
Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha!
*And then I regained consciousness

@sageboggs

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@dannyboy7813

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok