Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.