Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
We know he can swim but…
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I am a gravy boat captain
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old