Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

My birth announcement for our third baby

same but as an audience member

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

My dog ate my work from home.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?