Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?