Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The median voter
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
How I’d get arrested…
