@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

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@DothTheDoth

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@KyleMcDowell86

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

@sophielou

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@2tickytacky

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either