Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The asteroid..
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.