Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.


See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.


Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.


told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco


This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun


I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.


My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.


If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.


[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either