Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.