HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit