HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Quadruple digit IQ
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…