Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Thinking about a snail with a limp

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.