Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Merica.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme