Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old