Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.