Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
this article brought to you by lions
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.