Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.