Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.