Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

I can’t be the only one 😂

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

A double negative is a big no-no.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr