Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Stop being racist to kettles.
marvel comics have peaked
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile