Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

A small tragedy.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Legend 🤣🤣

boys are so easy to impress

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”