Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
bat life
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Nose
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
when mom throws a party…
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it