Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Warm pools make me nervous.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.