Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?