Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.