Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!