Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me when my alarm goes off
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.