Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”