Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You Might Also Like
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
No, he would not have.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.