Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?