Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.