Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
This pepper has seen some shit
