Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car