Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*