Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Just as the prophecy foretold

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*