Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs