Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You Might Also Like
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
happy mother’s day❤️
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.