Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.