Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography