Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Every BBC series about the universe.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge