Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Just got to our Airbnb!

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.