Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.


[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.


When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.


The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary


Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.


[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal


My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.