You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.