Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.