Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours