Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

🧠

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

I’ve disappointed better people.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?