Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
This checks out
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Finally, an explanation.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
mariah carrie
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
early stone age tool
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting