Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour