Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Breaking news:

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.