her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
こいつ天才
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.