Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo