Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

Me checking my bank balance online.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No