Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did