Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

The Onion called it…again.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom