Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.