Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
it’s the silliest best thing
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows