Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Shower sex be like:

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

This is what makes twitter great

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click