Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.