Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ATMs should have breathalyzers
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday