Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible