Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.