1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Isn’t
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.