Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.