Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Why aren’t more people talking about this?