HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.