HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
You Might Also Like
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it