Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.