Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Most Common Source of Electricity
Good advice.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.